Letter from Clay Warren
Politics – December 2004 – Colorado Central Magazine
Editors,
Ah reckon thet hit was the doe-eyed, near tears, expressions of sadness on the faces of some o’ mah friends what got me to thinkin’ up what I figure is simply another modest proposal, which ah will make below. Defeat is never a pretty thing, but ah suppose whut really hammered hit home was thet this time G.W.(er 43 if yuh prefer) got three million more votes than the hollow man.
Unfortunately, this was yet another example of a foreseeable outcome, the only good points of which were thet people got out and voted for a change, and a potful of rich people’s money got injected into the economy. The only remedy to the problem of the donkey party continuing to decline on the national level, (an don’t quote Slick Willie to me, he was more of an elephant than any Republican), is simple: we got to Expel Massachusetts from the Union.
Now before you go gettin’ all riled up and start referrin’ to the Civil War and pointin’ out thet Secession is not allowed, jest stop and listen. Ah didn’t say allow them to Seceed, ah said EXPEL them. Don’t give’em any choice in the matter. This might be harsh, but hit really is for the good of the country as a whole, and we frequently hear a lot o’ thet expression from them in regards to other matters. What in Hell you ask is ma justification for such a proposal? Wal hit comes down to six little words. John Kerry, Michael Dukakis, Teddy Kennedy. How any outfit kin expect to compete for the whole Nation’s vote, luggin’ along that many anchors is beyond me, and the fact thet they keep tryin’ is the problem and why somethin’ must be done. Hit makes Harold Stassen seem like a goldang realist.
Whut we got here is an extreme devotion to a political fantasy thet the rest of the country can recognize fer whut hit is, but the Massachusetts wing of the donkey chasers can’t. An’ given the proliferation o’ political advertisin’ in yere yard, the connection between that previously pointed out fascination with burro racin’ finally makes sense. Hit’s all one and the same. Ah mean jist ast yereself how many Republican burro chasers are there? Hit’s really an example o’ stealth er subliminal if yuh prefer, political advertisin’ and probably forbidden by the McCain/Feingold Act in the last 60 days before the election. If yuh stop and think about hit, the World Championship race was probably illegal and Walters should get another shot at hit. But ah digress.
Massachusetts is not goin’ to want to give up hit’s obviously unhealthy and unnatural influence over the national political debate, not even for the good o’ the rest of us. So we jist can’t ask them to leave, they got to be throwed out. Ah reckon we could use a Bill of Particulars, kind o’ like the Declaration was. Ah’m sure they’ll moan and complain but now the shoe is on the other foot. They threw the tea in the harbor when they didn’t like the actions of a monarchy a long ways off thet they felt was detrimental to their future. Now we’re goin’ ta pitch them outta the Union cause they’ve installed a dadgum monarchy within our boarders. Serves’m right.
Sure there are downsides, there’s always downsides. If this works, some wag will propose California next, and hit’ll probably be a Republican jist to keep Arnold’s followers from proposin’ changes to the Constitution. And there yuh go again, jist whom and where is she from, thet Arnold is married to anyway? You guessed hit! Ah rest mah case.
Yere’s til the Drought breaks,
Clay Warren
Pseudonymous in Poncha
