Letter from Slim Wolfe
Modern times – August 2001 – Colorado Central Magazine
From the Great Beyond
Editors:
Thought you might like to know, I’ve been channeling Ed Abbey. In fact we sat down over Negra Modelo and came up with a gringo lyric for Cielito Lindo, like this:
No faxes, no Elvis, no President, no Pepsodent,
no bush-hog, no smelly dog, NO PROBLEM.
No internet, no TV set, no credit card, no grassy yard,
no shirt, shoes, no phone, there’s no problem.
You all look so funny, you spend all your money,
on ludicrous props for your egos,
but I tell you that it don’t add up to squat,
cause life’s just a pile of burritos.
Ay, ay, ay ay, make more, and spend it
until we run out of petroleum reserves,
’cause then we might just have to end it.
Dear Mister President, I’m just an indigent
but I know spit from shinola.
Jesus was quick about healing the sick,
and he sure didn’t need your payola.
A kid with a guitar can act like a rockstar,
a loudmouth can act wise and holy,
but I don’t think you oughter
’cause you can’t walk on water;
you’re just getting too roly-poly.
Ay, ay, ay ay, the gospel according to Tami,
the twenty-first century sure will be known
for getting more gross and more hammy.
Now Shakespeare and Mozart
were good at the beaux-artes,
and Oistrakh was quick on the fiddle,
but here in the great land of progress and power
we settle for MTV piddle,
and any old peasant could bring home a pheasant
and knowingly clean out its innards,
but today there’s no bison, so it all comes from Tyson,
and it all tastes like old Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Ay, ay, ay ay, welcome to the Dark Ages,
you serfs can go surfing on Gates cyberfarm
but we still like turning the pages.
For publication and performance, the second word of line one may be altered at your discretion, for “faxes” you could substitute pac-man, lexus, Seinfeld, Taco-Bell or whatever you like.
If anyone needs to get in touch with ol’ Ed out there across the great divide, I’ll sure see what I can do. Some days I get a real clear channel here, bounced off that 400-foot Arcturian Center up in Crestonia.
Slim Wolfe
Villa Grove