by John Mattingly
Inner Old Man yields the page to The Unimportant ‘Merican, also known as TU‘M. As with IOM, the views of TU‘M should never be confused with those of the author.
Here in Central Colorado we stand protected from war, fracking, heavy industry, rabid police, mis-speaking billionaires, racial tension, ebola, fat-old-white men against abortion, and ISIL-ISIS. We are near the headwaters of the river so we are among the first to piss in it, and the air is cleansed by the same clearing winds that provide a temperate climate. As if this big cake needed icing, pot is legal. Yes: ‘Mericans protect their recreation areas with the great force of regional protectionism, liberal hot spots, NIMBYisms and collaboration from Important ‘Mericans (I‘Ms) who want to keep a few areas of the U.S. pristine for the many species of road whales.
So, TU‘M gratefully acknowledges being wrapped in the loving baby blanket unique to a protected recreational region of the U.S.
Nevertheless, TU‘M listens to the news, because even the most isolated recreational areas are not protected from media. The news lately makes it clear that I’Ms have an insanely pathetic inability to assess risk and danger. Driving your car, for example, is quite risky (30-40,000 U.S. citizens are killed every year in vehicle accidents, yet no War on Accidents is being waged and Google’s self-driving car is meeting consumer resistance). Riding a motorcycle, a bicycle or walking across a busy street is, on a proportional basis, even more risky (8-12,000 U.S. citizens are killed every year in cycle and pedestrian accidents). Having a gun, that’s dangerous (hundreds of people are killed every year in gun violence). Taking an unconducted medley of pharmaceuticals that might cause you to point the gun at your head and pull the trigger, that’s really dangerous (35-38,000 people commit suicide in the U.S. every year). TU‘M won’t even detail the everyday risk we face from that cheeseburger and fries, that hot fudge sundae with nuts, or those cigarettes.
So, all things considered – really, all things considered – 10-50,000 ISIL-ISIS fighters in the Middle East is not “a serious threat” to the U.S. homeland based on any rational risk assessment. (ISIL = Islamic State in the Levant, a region including Iraq, Syria, Jordan, parts of Turkey and Israel; while ISIS = Islamic State in Iraq and Syria; TU‘M prefers ISIP: Idiots Seeking Instant Publicity). Even if ISIL-ISIS fighters somehow reached the U.S. homeland and killed a few thousand people, it would be nothing compared to everyday dangers we face and live with. Yet we seem suddenly willing to spend billions, if not trillions, of dollars in war machinery and actual blood to address this perceived threat of “terror.”
News personalities speak to “experts” and ask the “difficult” question: “How can we defend ourselves against a person in a basement getting radicalized and later mounting an attack on an American citizen?” The answer should be: you can’t protect yourself against that. Earth can be a dangerous place. Human culture is violent. Get used to it. But remember: you are thousands of times more likely to kill yourself than be killed by a terrorist. That should provide some perspective on the risk.
The Middle Eastern tribal warriors have learned that I’Ms get very excited by sensational images repeated on TV. This encourages these warriors to taunt the U.S. military, knowing I’Ms are prone to over-reaction, violating one of the commandments of the Art of War: never be provoked into using excessive force; instead cause your enemy to use its force against itself. The Middle Eastern tribal warriors have proven to superior military strategists to their counterparts among the I’Ms, who continue to fall for the same old tricks, like a dog chasing a stick that is never thrown.
This is largely because I’Ms, in conjunction with the Industrial-Military Complex that Eisenhower warned us about (some I’Ms are very slow learners), have created a special category of danger for U.S. citizens to worry about: terror. Airplanes flying into buildings, heads being chopped off, and bombs going off in unexpected places are acts of terror and are shown repeatedly on TV. But bombing missions, drone strikes and other hygienic means of slaughter are acts of humanitarianism or defense of U.S. citizens. Suicides, school shootings and police violence are horrific, but not acts of terror.
Even more to the point, it’s worth considering: on a proportional basis, more U.S. soldiers are killed every year in non-combat military accidents than are U.S. citizens killed by terrorists. We have a military of about six million, and on average 150 die from non-combat accidents in training or friendly fire, or crashes, or just dumb screwups every single year, meaning that an enlisted person has a .0025% annual risk of death just from signing up.
Terrorists, on the other hand, have killed slightly more than 3,000 U.S. citizens from a population of about 350 million, or a mere .00085% risk of death, which, in fairness to a current risk assessment, should be divided by seven, because terrorist attacks hit once every seven years on average, while deaths from non-combat military accidents are annually repeating. In short, the risk of death by terror is so small as to be almost negligible. It doesn’t even cross the absurd Cheney-promoted threshold of a 1% chance (Obama should invite the ISIS-ISIL leader to go hunting with Dick). Meanwhile, the risk of military accident is very real. This strongly suggests that enlisting in a military that fights terrorism is far more dangerous – even before combat engagement commences – than taking your chances as a civilian.
Speaking of which, civilians have a much better record of countering terrorism than does the military, or even law enforcement. The fourth plane of the 9-11 attack was taken down by civilians while our proud military jets were flying around like headless chickens; the shoe bomber was dressed down by civilians; and the Boston bombers were caught by a civilian. Alert civilians have identified several other potential terrorist acts, such as the trunk bomber in Times Square. In terms of bang-for-the-buck, it makes a lot of sense to reward civilians for spotting terrorists and send the military off to play war games with itself.
TU‘M has a suggestion for I’Ms: invite ISIL-ISIS to send over their best fifty warriors, and we will put our best fifty warriors up against them in a football stadium. ISIL-ISIS is literally dying for a chance to get over and have a chance to kill a few more U.S. citizens, so let’s give it to them. Hand-to-hand combat only. No guns, no knives, no grenades, no weapons of any kind that would otherwise be required by sissies to kill defenseless people such as journalists and women. In fact, TU‘M suggests that half of the fifty warriors from the U.S. should be women, specifically including Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter, in a fight to the death. The winner is the team with at least one person standing.
Now comes the hard part: what does it mean to win? Does it mean that Christianity or Islam is superior in some way? Does it mean that democracy is better than tribalism? Of course not. It means that one side kicked the other side’s ass. TU‘M predicts the U.S. warriors would win, and the video of the battle, when sent over to the ISIL-ISIS territory by YouTube, social media and standard news outlets, showing the toughest ISIL-ISIS warriors being killed by women will significantly weaken the ISIL-ISIS resolve and local standing, not to mention the severe dents in their recruiting: “Come join ISIS, a bunch of morons who can be defeated by women!”
Alternatively, cut a deal with ISIL-ISIS that they can bring in a herd of old pickups armed with big guns and we will drop them down into each state in the U.S., in alphabetical order, and see how many states they can conquer. The citizens of the states will be told where and when the ISIL-ISIS warriors will arrive. TU‘M makes this prediction: the U.S. will need no soldiers to engage in this “battle,” and the ISIL-ISIS warriors will not make it out of Alabama alive. The ISIL-ISIS warriors might find it surprising that women down there don’t cover their faces, and that quite a few of them could shoot a hole in an ISIL testicle from fifty yards.
Finally, why should god bless America? Why do I’Ms always end their political speeches with this blessing? It turns out that 21% of U.S. citizens, including TU‘M, are declared atheists, making them the single largest nondenominational group in the U.S., but with no collective voice or organizational output or imprint. Of the 79% who “believe in god,” more than half, or 55%, describe god as some sort of spiritual force with really good organizational skills, but nothing like the god of the Old Testament, who was truly a petty, mean-spirited, homicidal, homophobic, misogynistic, self-absorbed, infanticidal, war-mongering and horrifically meddlesome maniac. Nobody wants the blessing of that god. So maybe it’s the god who gave us his only begotten son, only to allow him to be crucified and stabbed to death. Or maybe it’s the god who created heaven and earth in just six days, but then planted a tree with a snake in it. TU‘M gives up. Which god is it that has blessed ‘Merica?
John Mattingly cultivates prose, among other things, and was most recently seen near Poncha Springs.
