By Mike Rosso
“Hello and welcome to MegaCorp. Para el Español presione por favor cinco. Please enter your ten-digit phone number, followed by the pound sign.”
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
“Thank you, the next available representative will be with you shortly.”
Five minutes of scratchy, cheery music at high volume.
“Thank you for calling MegaCorp, my name is Tunisia, how can I help you today?”
“Hi, I had a question about my current bill …”
“Sir, could we please verify your telephone number?”
“Uh, okay, 719-530-0000.”
“Also, I’ll need the last four digits of your social security number.”
“Okay, 1212.”
“Thank you sir, one minute please …”
Five more minutes of scratchy, cheery music at high volume.
“Hello, this is tech support, can we get your telephone number please?”
“Um, I was trying to reach the billing department …”
“Sir, this is tech support, do you wish to speak to someone in the billing department?”
“Yes, please …”
“One moment please …”
Three more minutes of scratchy, cheery music at high volume.
“Hello and welcome to MegaCorp, how can we assist you?”
“Yes. I’m trying to reach the billing department about a question on my bill.”
“Is this in regards to 719-530-0000?”
“Yes!”
“Just a moment please.”
Two minutes of scratchy, recorded helpful hints about MegaCorp products …
“Hallo, dis is da billing department, my name is ‘Joe.’ Can I get your phone number pleeze?”
“But I just gave it to the last two people on the phone!”
“I’m sorry sirs, but in order to help you I will needs your telephone number.”
“719-530-0000.”
“Thank you – just one moment. Is this Michael J Rosso?”
“Yes.”
“Could I have the last four digits of your social security number?”
“Oh, for … it’s 1212.”
“Do you have any pets in your houses?”
“What? Pets? Yes, I have a pet.”
“What is that pet’s name pleeze?”
“Pet’s name? It’s IVAN!”
“Thank you sirs, now what seems to be da problem?”
“Yes, I’m looking at my most recent bill and I’m noticing that it is twice as much as the previous month with no explanation …”
“Sir, do you have that bill in front of you?”
“Yes, I’m looking at it …”
“And what is the customer number at the top of the bill?”
“You mean the one that looks like my phone number?”
“Yes, sir.”
“719-530-0000.”
Thank you sir. Let’s have a look at that.”
“Thank you.”
Prolonged silence.
“Sir?”
“Yes?”
“I’m going to have to refer you to a billing specialist. Could you hold on pleeze?”
“But, I …”
Scratchy, recorded attempts to upgrade my existing service.
“Hello, Mr. Russo?”
“That’s ROSSO.”
“Yes. Mr. Russo, we understand you are having trouble reading your bill …”
“No, I can read the bill perfectly, I just don’t understand why I am being charged double this month.”
“Just one moment … when you signed on to this plan did the salesperson explain to you that the rates will double every month for the term of your contract?”
“WHAT?”
“Sir, when you signed our two-year service contract you agreed to a rate increase of 100% each month …”
“I DID NOT!”
“Sir, our records show you signed up with MegaCorp on April 1, 2011 for the Special Customer plan which included one week of free service and limited tech and billing support.”
“One week? The ad said one YEAR!”
“Sir, I don’t know where you got that information but we only offer one free week to our Special Customers.”
“Are you saying that my bill is going to double each month for the duration of my contract?”
“That is correct sir.”
“No way! And if I decide to break my contract?”
“Sir, I would advise against that. There is a $500 early termination fee and we have direct access to your bank account …”
“$500? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”
“I’m sorry sir, but we cannot change a contract once it’s been signed.”
“You are kidding, right?”
“No, sir.”
“I’m sorry, but this is just absurd. You obviously can’t help me with this. Is there someone higher up the ladder I can speak to?”
“Just one moment, please …”
Five more minutes of scratchy, cheery music at high volume.
“Hello and welcome to MegaCorp. Para el español presione por favor cinco. Please enter your ten digit phone number, followed by the pound sign.”
OMG, you were listening on my most recent call to XYZ Co !!! LOLOLO