In an era where children are constantly being asked, “What do you want?” or “What do you think?” might I offer you the Ed Quillen School of Child Rearing.
The next time your child is clamoring at you to buy him something, don’t say no or tell your child to get a job. Instead quickly respond, “People in hell want ice water.” If your child is too small to understand this sentiment, take your time to explain it to him. You will find that soon your children never ask for anything other than tepid water – which is usually free and easy to come by.
The next time your child asks you for a ride, quickly respond, “I didn’t have children so that in midlife I could take on the career of chauffeur,” and then immediately return to whatever you were doing previously. If your child persists by begging and pleading in such a way that you are not able to divert your attention from their formidable cries, remind her that God gave her two perfectly good legs to get her wherever she needed to go and if she doesn’t leave soon that she might not get there in time.
If you are the unfortunate parent of a child who was caught skipping school, make sure that when the administration calls your home you dwell on the fact that the school itself taught your child so poorly that your child isn’t even smart enough to figure out how to skip school without getting caught and that you assume that their punishment will reflect that fact.
When your teenager asks to have their curfew extended, reply with a swift, “If a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass on the ground so much now would he?” When your teenager looks at you as if you are crazy, look back as if she is actually the crazy one and then go back to whatever you were doing before without further response.
If you just so happen to be a father, be sure to give a special thanks for the Father’s Day gift that was purchased rather than the art project Mom received because school was still in session for Mother’s Day. Not that dads don’t like popsicle-stick photo frames and macramé, they just happen to like stereo equipment more.
As a product of the Ed Quillen School of Child Rearing, I can assure you that such an upbringing will rear strong and healthy children who love their father dearly. And, once he is gone, would do anything to hear him say, “People in hell want ice water,” just one more time. May you rest in peace my dear father, you will be missed.
