Letter from Ed Rogers
Modern Life – August 2002 – Colorado Central Magazine
Editors:
In an attempt to avoid indictments, the 500 remaining CEOs of publicly held US companies made an attempt to enter Mexico but were blocked at the border. They then held a hastily called unannounced public meeting, found an unregulated Colorado County, and have now sought refuge in Chaffee County, Colorado.
Alert Chaffee County residents thought it unusual when nearly 100 motor homes, with headlights off, entered the county via Poncha Pass in the dead of night. Speaking anonymously, one Poncha Pass resident thought it was the Tonto Apache tribe bringing equipment in to start up a mica mine. “I immediately called the sheriff’s office and they sent a patrol up to check”.
The sheriff’s office announced, “one of our deputies tried to run a check on the motor homes but was quickly frustrated and passed the vehicles through. Every time he got ready to run license plate numbers through the DMV, the numbers changed — and the deputy couldn’t even find the drivers, since they always stood behind those shifting numbers.”
It was odd to say the least, but CEOs will be CEOs.
By the following morning a campaign of terror had begun and Chaffee County found itself in the midst of confusion. A county commissioner was the first target of opportunity. “I woke up this morning to a knock on my door which absolutely terrorized our cats. Within half an hour my coin collection had been totally devalued. The quarters were worth dimes, the dimes were worth nickels and the nickels and pennies were declared worthless. A CEO purchased the entire collection with money from the California Teachers Pension Fund.”
Residents of Three Elk and Mesa Antero awoke to find themselves surrounded by motor homes, and the children of CEOs were tearing across their properties on ATVs and setting up weapons ranges right next to their homes. Speaking anonymously, a resident said that he and his neighbors quickly discovered that all zoning in both subdivisions had been changed to recreational. “There is nothing we can do,” he declared. “Both ATV courses and weapons ranges are recreational activities. But I have spoken with an Arthur Anderson representative, and he has promised to buy us all tickets to the movies whenever weapons fire starts so we can all get along and have a win-win situation for us and the CEOs.”
The most outrageous ploy was discovered when hikers tried to enter state lands in the county. ATMs and gates had been set up at the entrance of every parcel, and all Colorado signs were replaced with new ones reading “property of Qwestion, $25 admission per person, no services provided.”
When asked about the sudden sale of all state lands, a county commissioner said “the commissioners, Colorado State Land Board and the newly formed CEOnistas organization had a 5 a.m. public meeting this morning at an undisclosed location and the deal was quickly reached.” When asked about public notice and public input, the commissioner became rather hostile declaring “public notice was given on KVRH at 4:45 a.m. and the public knew.”
Subsequently, all state lands were declared poor performers, and devalued to a penny on the dollar; payment was made with funds from the Colorado State Teachers pension fund gains (now a charter school pension fund). The lands were then declared to be high performance values by Arthur Anderson, and inflated by 5,000 percent, and sold to the newly formed Chaffee County Charter Schools division of Qwestion. Although he did not understand the deal, Governor Bill Owings signed the check and payment was made to an offshore subsidiary of Qwestion in Bermuda.
County Commissioner Smith said, “I have no problem with this deal, it looks like another win-win for everyone.”
By noon the pillaging had spread throughout the county, and a local rancher shared his experience. “I woke up this morning and went to feed my cows but they were gone. I have checked all over and all I can find are pack rats, pack rat holes, and park benches. When I got my mail today there were certified documents along with a bill for 800 pack rat holes and 200 high-performing park benches. My cows were declared poor performers and given the value of 800 pack rats. Then they billed me for the pack rats, holes and benches — double-billing me for the pack rats because they multiply so fast! Now, I have a bill already declared past due for $12,525.42 from Global Crossing in the Cayman Islands. I called the number they gave me and was immediately transferred to investor relations which never answered.”
In another maneuver, all ditch rights in Chaffee County were condemned and notices declared the irrigation ditches the property of World.Com. A rancher declared “this is open warfare just like in the old days.”
Due to continued drought, water rights were declared under performing and the dates on all rights were shifted to June 21, 2001. Then water rights were declared poor values and purchased; previous owners were billed for all ditch maintenance costs.
But at that point, Martha Stewart dumped five gallons of Perrier into a ditch and declared the replenished ditches outstanding high volume performers whereupon all ditch rights were sold to the city of Aurora at an arbitrarily inflated 5,000 percent.
When questioned about the matter a legal advisor for Stewart said: “No illegal taking occurred, Martha put water in the ditch, she did not take it out.” Once again; it looks like a win-win for everyone.
The final transaction occurred at 2 p.m. when the CEOnistas bought the entire County, and transferred the under-performing areas (all Federal lands and the town of Salida) to a private partnership, then sent a bill to the State of Delaware for $17.3 billion.
The deal was predicated on a promise to provide open space, park benches, trails and gated communities, but citizens are becoming alarmed as open space areas and signs keep shifting as fast as a realtor can put up a for sale sign.
Despite unprecedented economic growth, a small number of “strident,” “trouble making,” “fringe element,” “embarrassments to the county” were sick of the declared win-win situations and took action. Several property owners set up a sting. “We declared our property undervalued and caught 50 of them when they showed up for the plunder. It was like moths to a flame.”
Martha Stewart was detained just off County Road 210. According to the sheriff, “she was stopping motorists and asking for Perrier, marzipan and food coloring to make snowmen for place settings, but we actually got her on vandalism and fence cutting. She was cutting fence wire for the arms on the snowmen.” Stewart is now in a jail cell with a view of the river and appropriate lighting to help her continue her work on table settings.
At 5 p.m. the CEOnistas were declared under control by the Chaffee County Commissioners. “We learned a hard lesson from this and will take steps after we are reelected to make sure it never happens again.”
The CEOnistas were escorted south over Poncha Pass to the county line and unleashed on an unsuspecting San Luis Valley. The escort consisted of all available sheriff’s units, the three commissioners, a spokesperson for the various newly formed gated community homeowners associations, and 12 spitting llamas.
As the last motor home vanished from sight, the escort noticed the new signs at Poncha Pass as well as the new toll booth with lowered gates. “Hey I hope you all brought $20 each to get back in,” the toll booth operator declared.
“What happened to our Chaffee County Now this is Colorado sign?” a commissioner asked.
A new sign read, “Now Entering Marlboro Country Planned Resort and Gated Community. Pay at ATM to Right. Trespassers will be Prosecuted. Now this is Colorado!”
Not having $20 each for the admission, the entire escort and 12 spitting llamas were barred from reentering the now nonexistent Chaffee County. They were then declared illegal immigrants by Homeland Security Inc., a high performing division of Archer Daniels Midland, Haliburton and Nabissco of Granada.
Finally awakened from a deep sleep and advised of the crisis; Governor Owings promised to help get the lives of the citizens of the now missing Chaffee County back to normal and immediately set up a blue ribbon panel (this one made up of corporate realtors) to review the situation.
In the meantime, the Chaffee County Commissioners convened a closed executive session in the San Luis valley to discuss how best to put the correct spin on the matter.
Ed Rogers
Poncha Springs
