By John Mattingly
1. No more back talk on taxes. Taxes have been low for so long, there’s really only one direction they can go from here, like it or not.
The proposed increases are not that large, yet they make a big difference over time to the growing national debt. But to hear the anti-tax-increase folks bellow, you’d think they were being asked to sacrifice their oldest child on a stone altar. Increasing the top marginal rate from 35% to 39% and capital gains from 15% to 20%, together with elevating Social Security and Medicare ceilings to a cool million and the matched rate by .5%, will not sink the ship of state.
We’ve seen these higher rates before; the economy grew, and the government paid its bills.
While we’re at it, abolishing the property tax exemption for churches and nonprofits could raise enough to relieve the deep deficits of state and local governments, according to some studies I’ve seen. The property tax exemption for theists has long seemed prejudicial to atheists.
2. No more “God Bless America” at the end of political speeches.
After all the crises, superstorms, phony wars and “headed in the wrong direction” – type things that have happened to America lately, isn’t it time we stopped asking for God’s blessing? Isn’t it clear by now that, no matter where you hang your political party hat, God’s blessings are arbitrary, cruel and hard to understand?
This goes to the slightly more complex difficulty organized religions have with evil, injustice, war crimes, earthquakes and such. If a God really is all knowing, all powerful, and basically, in charge, then based on the evidence, that God is at best reckless, and at worst, the source of evil itself. If not from an all powerful God, from where else could evil come?
As 2012 comes to an end, I humbly suggest it is time we recognized that human beings are small, industrious mammals with highly developed brains struggling to survive on a dangerous planet. If we applied more energy to adapting to the reality of our situation, and less to superstitious devotions to an arbitrary God, we might actually survive the next “blessing.”
3. No more American exceptionalism. This reminds me of apes pounding their chests in the jungle. Someone didn’t get the memo (MADE IN CHINA) about the fact that America is only one group of astounding mammals in a community of other astounding mammals of varying industry, grace and struggle.
Exceptionalism may be the new word for exclusion.
4. No more demands for Obama’s birth certificate.
Unless the birthers first produce a birth certificate for Jesus of Nazareth.
5. No more arguing with referees. I’ve never seen a referee turn to a red-faced, hysterical athlete and say, “You’re right, I blew the call, so let me reverse it.” To relieve refs of the petty histrionics of prima donnas, I suggest that any player who challenges the call of a ref, or even displays dissatisfaction with the call of the ref, be automatically suspended for the entire season.
And for the coaches who run out to argue by yelling into the face of a ref? I suggest prison time would be the right call.
Because refs are only human, and humans in America detest human imperfection, instant replay and official review are slowly replacing the humans on the spot, and I expect this trend to continue. I look forward to the day when all professional sports are officiated by computers and robots, because then we will have absolute accuracy in the call of balls and strikes, fumble or down-by-contact, foot on-or-behind the three-point line and so forth.
Of course, there will still be arguments. Some players will appeal the decision of the field computer, demanding the opinion of another computer, whose opinion can be appealed to a supercomputer, nicknamed the DOG COMPUTER as a token to atheists, who, though rather quiet, represent about one fifth of the U.S. population. Talk about a silent minority …
6. No more cussing big corporations. If you have a stock portfolio, or shop at Walmart, keep it to yourself.
7. No more newspeople flocking to superstorms. Reporters must stop giving blow-by-blow accounts while advising everyone to “stay inside, stay safe, and pray for those affected.”
It should be sufficient to see photos of the aftermath of the storm. I do not need to see someone standing in water, telling me the water is rising fast around their ankles. If there is so much to be done to help people, why aren’t these clowns out there helping instead of playing the virtuoso voyeur?
8. No more political debates. What we saw this year were not debates. These were staged press conferences.
In high school I participated in debate under the rules of the National Forensics League. Strictly speaking, debate has a format in which a resolution is stated, followed by a series of structured, responsive arguments offered by an affirmative and negative “side,” or proponent and opponent.
For example, for a true debate between candidates, a number of propositions would be agreed upon ahead of time, such as:
– Resolved: That Universal Health Care is Net Positive to the U.S. Economy.
– Resolved: That the War in Afghanistan Should End In Six Months
– Resolved: That Taxes on Those Making Over a Million Dollars per Year Should Go Up.
Each candidate would begin on either the affirmative or negative side, depending on his or her political alignment, and then the structure of the debate would be as follows:
Affirmative speaks first; for ten minutes, then negative responds for ten minutes, then Affirmative rebuts the negative for five minutes, and negative concludes for five minutes. Time is strictly kept, and if either side fails to address a particular point raised by the other, it is an automatic loss on that point. Typically, three judges score the points made and the responses, and award the winner.
9. No more thanking the troops while advocating an end to the war. U.S. troops have received a lot of goodwill from the American public, most of it based less on genuine appreciation and more on transparent guilt over the fact that this war is being fought primarily by an over-deployed underclass of this country. Kurt Vonnegut pointed out that wars can only be fought if fat old men can convince fit young men to do their bidding. (Which is why Vonnegut spoke out against changing Armistice Day to Veteran’s Day.) Wars require soldiers. The more we honor soldiers instead of peace, the more likely war becomes.
Concerning the specific wars in the Middle East, any soldier will tell you: “If you tell me to take that hill, or kill that guy, I can do that. But if you tell me to defend freedom and spread democracy, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Sad, but true.
It’s time we showed U.S. troops real appreciation: Bring them home in 2013.
10. No more “Listening to the advice of the generals on the ground.”
Both Bush and Obama, as well as McCain and Pelosi, have consistently indicated that when it comes to war decisions in Afghanistan and Iraq, they must take primary guidance from the generals on the ground. Turns out these creeps are not on the ground. They’re partying, sending tens of thousands of flirty emails to socialites and generally screwing around on the goodwill of the American people, while the troops are gutting it out in the dust.
I’m tired of hearing everyone claim David Petraeus is a great American and a great soldier. Petraeus led two of the most profound failures of military adventurism in world military history over the last century. We have to go all the way back to General George Armstrong Custer, and the Battle of Little Bighorn Creek in 1876, to find a general who might outflank Petraeus as the worst general in U.S. history.
John Mattingly – who sometimes pulls no punches – cultivates prose, among other things, and was most recently seen near Creede.
