Letter from Ted Foureagles
Future – May 2008 – Colorado Central Magazine
Dateline: April 1, 2009, Washington, NM
What follows is a brief recap of incidents which coalesced to become known as The Fall of the American Empire.
After an ambiguous election in which all three major U.S. parties received exactly 33-1/3% of the vote, Hillary Clinton occupied the Oval Office using a set of old keys and a can of Mace. Dick Cheney, refusing to cede power, fled to the Pentagon. Barack Obama left for Tahiti, saying, “You people are (expletive deleted) crazy — I’m done with this (expletive deleted)!” John McCain locked himself in the Senate men’s room to be found 41 days later, having succumbed to fumes. Reports claim that he died with his wing tips on and a defiant smile on his face.
President Bush retired to Crawford, TX (now NM). In his widely ignored farewell address he said, “My endurin’ legacy to the world … this, umm, this nation of mine, umm … of the people, under God, is, umm, umm … is it’s strengthened, umm enduringness. My wish … what I wish for the next, umm, President of, umm … is for the power you sacredly, umm, have is what it takes to … umm, make the world at peace and, umm, peace and prosperity no matter who they are.” The ensuing global celebration ended abruptly on February 2nd, now known as the great groundhog day world-wide hangover, when China announced that the U.S. had failed to pay its mortgage.
UN emergency resolution A/RES ES-11/3-11, GA/02009, declaring the U.S. a failed state, passed by unanimous vote, Israel abstaining. Coalition troops from Great Britain, Japan, Norway, Saudi Arabia, and Zimbabwe were dispatched to secure the formidable U.S. military, along with the remaining candidates and Dick Cheney. The quick capitulation of the U.S. military has been touted as the most ridiculously lopsided victory in the history of asymmetrical warfare. Acting U.S. Commander-in-Chief Nancy Pelosi later quipped “It was supposed to be ‘two if by land, one if by sea,’ wasn’t it”?
Negotiations continue with Halliburton Corporation, now the globe’s second largest military power and presumably in control of up to a quarter of the world’s nuclear warheads as well as 27% of oil infrastructure, undisclosed but critical fresh water supplies and, surprisingly, several of the best restaurants in New York, Tel Aviv, and the United Arab Emirates.
Ms. Clinton was quickly captured in a sting operation disguised as a press conference, but Mr. Cheney escaped through a complex of tunnels emanating from the Pentagon, which it now appears were secretly constructed in 1973 for just this purpose. Cheney soon surfaced in Colorado Springs where he, along with Norman Podhurst and evangelical minister John Hagee, seized NORAD. In an apparently unauthorized press meeting, Rev. Hagee proclaimed the second coming of Christ, then dropped his pants and mooned the small crowd. Senator Joseph Lieberman, previously unaffiliated, later apologized for the Reverend’s outburst and assured Israel that statements made were not an official endorsement of any passage from the Book of Revelations.
The UN mandated dissolution of the U.S. federal military, control of which was entrusted to Senate representatives and governors of individual states with oversight by UN special council. The Senate scheduled an emergency logistic session, and then recessed until July 4th, cryptically citing symmetry. Interim governmental control was delegated to Google.com.
Mexico backed by Cuba, Venezuela, and by some reports, Australia, immediately invaded Louisiana, south Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California. Alabama & Mississippi, late reporting in, eventually confirmed that something seemed to have happened there too. Georgia and the Carolinas soon fell as well (late reports confirm that the Confederate flag has been removed from the S.C. state house), on completion of a treaty by Ted Turner to buy Atlanta. Jane Fonda held a popular rally in which she waved the French flag in front of the Georgia capital, prompting Mr. Turner to trade the city, minus CNN but including Coca-Cola, for New Orleans & St. Louis. French President Nicolas Sarcozy, when asked about Ms. Fonda’s entreaty, was reportedly unamused. At press time, Asheville, NC is still celebrating 1/20/09 and asks only for an emergency shipment of Doritos and Zima.
Newt Gingrich made a brief sortie into Tennessee for unknown reasons, but was repelled by Al Gore’s golden retriever and a small group of what Mr. Gingrich described as “filthy hippies.” Arkansas remains under the protection of the newly formed Wal-Mart / Big Wet Cigar coalition which is purportedly supported largely by business/government interests in China. Delaware, Maryland, the eastern shore of Virginia, coastal Maine and perhaps much of New Hampshire are “looking for a Dutch-like, preferably fictional nation with which to align.” The upper peninsula of Michigan declared itself “Yooperstan,” announced a policy of non-recognition of Wisconsin as a state, and imposed a 10,000,000% tariff on imported beer.
Crestone, CO (pop. 198, including dogs and cats) inadvertently became the world’s smallest nation when all of its ballots were misplaced. Its impromptu constitution is modeled on the unpublished texts of Krishna.
Sensing potential unrest, Canada asked nicely that everything north of Virginia except New Jersey and east of California plus Oregon & Washington, pretty much from Denver up, become a Canadian protectorate. Bill Gates procured San Francisco from Mexico and traded it to Canada for Seattle. The mayors of the two cities were unavailable for comment, but actor and social critic Jack Nicholson offered, “I’m just sitting back and laughing my ass off.” Dick Cheney declared John Bolton Emperor of the Universe and himself Vice Emperor for life in a press release by Karl Rove. Assassins, reportedly Blackwater operatives, took out Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinski, and everyone else suspected of having knowledge of nuclear codes. Ted Kennedy and Rush Limbaugh were assassinated as well, apparently just for the hell of it.
At this writing, all states of the former U.S. are in Mexican, Canadian, Japanese (HI, AL & Tacoma, WA) or Venezuelan (FL) hands, with the exception of New Jersey, which has so far been unable to secure affiliation. A rumor has been floated that Bruce Springsteen has offered up to 2,500,000 euros for it if someone will “just fix the damn freeway.”
Ted Foureagles
formerly of Maysville
which was formerly known as Crazy Camp
